My heart pounded as I read the letter about kissing. My cheeks flushed, and I was thankful for the privacy of my pink bedroom. He wanted to kiss me! I wanted to kiss him too. But there was a magnetism to him that scared me. I knew I couldn’t resist him, and I was unspeakably drawn to him on every level. And while it was thrilling and new, it was also a bit terrifying to feel these emotions coming from the depth of my being. I had never experienced anything like this.
I took a few breaths to try to cool my cheeks, and prayed for wisdom. One benefit of a long-distance relationship was that our heads were able to be one step ahead of our teenage hormones. I was glad we had time to figure out what would be appropriate and God-honoring before the heat of the moment arrived.
I also had a confession to make – one that needed to come eventually in person, not over the phone, or in a letter. Ked wasn’t going to be my first kiss. He knew I’d had a previous boyfriend, and I assumed he would guess I had kissed before. But I still needed to admit it to him. I cringed at the thought of that conversation because I knew I was Ked’s first girlfriend.
When my previous relationship had ended, I had come to some serious conclusions about what I would do differently next time – specifically how I’d hold a man’s emotions more carefully and how I would only conduct myself in a way that should the relationship end, we could still manage to be friends. I couldn’t imagine my life without Ked – whether forever with a ring on my left hand or at least as a trusted friend.
I took some time to think and formulate the letter in my head. With trembling hands, I pulled a few sheets of white ruled paper out of my school binder. I gripped my black ink pen and took a deep breath. The callous on my right middle finger was going to grow.
My dearest Ked,
I have so much to tell you, I’m afraid I might burst! Tonight is one of those nights I REALLY wish I could sit down and have a wonderful face to face conversation with you. It’s one of those nights I really have to ask God to help me handle this, I can’t do it on my own!
I have a response to your letter. I appreciated so much everything you said. I would much rather respond in conversation, but since that isn’t possible and I have to get this all out, a letter will have to do…
I can identify with every bit of what you said. It seems to be that there is so much that only you and I understand. Your mom is right, ladies do look for a strong leader, and I have found that in you. Not only have I seen that in you, but so have several others. I know, it’s a frightening new position, but with God at your side, you will and are doing fine.
I have the same fears; I desire so much for Christ to always be number one in this relationship. I think you know how much I desire that. This is all so new and precious and sacred. I desire for the Lord’s will to be done in us. The fear we have of being outside His will is a healthy fear. He will not let us get outside of it. The only time to worry is when we lose that healthy fear. Ked, I love you so much, that at times it overwhelms me. There have been so many times that I have asked God to help me and guide me so that I will love you in such a way that only comes from Him. Ked, you don’t need to fear losing me! I’m not going to leave you. The only thing that could ever take me from you would be God Himself. I realize that if He would ever do so, He would help us and show us that He had something better for us (although my human mind can’t imagine anything better). I know that “God’s will and what is best for you are the same thing.” As long as we stay consciously sensitive to His leading, we don’t need to worry about losing each other.
You said you’ve found something real; so have I. Three years ago, my youth pastor did a really good series on dating. I pulled out the notes from that series today. Funny. One section was “How can you tell if it’s the real thing?” There were 10 questions. Wow!
1.What is the major attraction? Ked, you are extremely handsome, but my major attraction to you is your love for God and your character.
2.How many things about the person attract you? A million! I’ve told you some before. I don’t have room for them on this paper!
3.How did it start? Wow! That’s all I can say. Amazing! A very solid friendship.
4.How consistent is your interest? I confess; for the past 3 years I know I’ve been consistently interested in you! 🙂
5.How does it affect your personality? I wish you could understand the extent of this one. Ever since we started going out, so many people have commented on the change they’ve seen in me – more joyful, smiling (constantly!), and as if a burden had been lifted. You’ve been nothing but good for me.
6.How do others view your relationship? Answered in #5. They think it’s wonderful!
7.What does distance do? Oh my word!! I couldn’t believe this question was in there! Distance is all we’ve known. We both have already talked about how much we’ve grown – patience, trust, and the list goes on. Distance has given this relationship strength.
8.How do disagreements affect your relationship? Haven’t had any yet! But I’m sure when they come, we’ll do just fine.
9.Are you selfish or selfless? Ked, you have been SO selfless. I mean, sending back the pictures unopened, was so very unselfish. You are always so concerned about me. I pray that I am as selfless as you are.
10.What is your overall response? Wow. Amazing. Words aren’t fit to describe.
As I thought over these 10 q’s…I was amazed all over again. This isn’t mere “infatuation” or romantic feelings.
You can tell your friends that they don’t know what they’re talking about! You don’t know what a relief it was for me that you brought this subject up. In fact, when you asked me on Sunday what I expect of you, I almost mentioned this, but- I’m a chicken! You see, this subject is something I have thought through and come to my own convictions about. This is something your friends will never understand. Mine don’t either. In fact, one friend that I really respect once told me that maybe I had set my standard too high in this area. I disagree. Kissing can be like lighting a fire, if you’re not ready to control the flame, you’ll get burnt. A kiss is something that I feel really strongly about and don’t want to take lightly.
Ked, I don’t ever, ever want to do anything that would damage this relationship. I feel the same way about that as you do. When you’re involved in kissing too much at the dating level, emotions take over. I hope and pray you understand this. This is where the internal battle of the flesh and spirit takes place. It’s not that I don’t want you to (trust me, its not that at all!!) but because I desire for Christ to be in control and never my emotions. Let’s wait. I’m probably the most unusual girl you’ve ever met when it comes to this, but it’s because of what God has taught me. In the end, when the timing is right, it will be so much sweeter than we could ever dream.
Oh how I hope you understand! Please, never be afraid to talk to me or ask me about anything. I want so much for you to be yourself with me. you’re the bestest (and I know it’s bad English!) friend I’ve ever had. I’ve always been able to communicate with, share my deepest thoughts with, and be myself with you. I love you, Kedron – for YOU. I’ve never doubted whether or not you like me. Yes, you can defend yourself to your friends. I know you like me, and I don’t need a kiss to prove it. I can wait awhile. I would so much rather wait than run the risk of ruining such a wonderful thing.
Wow…I can’t believe how much I’ve written. I knew I had a lot to say, but I didn’t even realize it was this much! I love you, Ked. Don’t ever doubt that.
Well, I hope I didn’t make a mess out of this. I pray I didn’t !I Love you too much to want to do that. Now, it’s my turn to wait for your response! This letter is too long! It’s another book. Well, as long as you don’t mind! (I never mind long ones – I love em!)
I miss you so much! I can’t wait to see you again!
I sealed it with a prayer that it wouldn’t get lost in the mail. And I waited.