At some point during the fall I was able to confess to Ked that although I wanted to wait to kiss, he would not be my first kiss. It had taken me awhile to work up the courage to admit it to him, and I wanted to have the conversation face-to-face. I feared that he would view me as a hypocrite, or worse, that he might think something was wrong with him that made me want to wait. The reality was the opposite.
I had come to realize that God has given us each a set of beautiful emotions and feelings – like a unique variegated ball of yarn – no two are alike. As we enter into relationships with each other, these balls of emotions and feelings are unwound and intertwined with others creating a fabric more aesthetic than we could ever create on our own. God intended us to live in beautiful relationship with Him and with each other. Those emotions and feelings are never more intense and vibrant than when in a relationship with someone from the opposite sex that we are attracted to. The danger becomes that the ball unwinds too quickly and without care and the intertwining, rather than creating a beautiful fabric, becomes a giant tangled mess of knots. Something that was never meant to be woven together now is nearly impossible to untangle, and often extrication only occurs through a severing of the cords that deeply hurts all involved. My ball of emotions and feelings for Ked were quickly unwinding and I wanted to make sure I was unwinding with care and that we were meant to intertwine into a fabric that was beautiful and gave God the glory.
The conversation was difficult, but Ked was kind and gracious. If I had any doubt or fears left about how he felt about the matter, they were alleviated with his letter that followed.
I’m so glad we had that chance to talk Friday night! you have no idea how much that means to me, that you would share your heart like that. Because you wouldn’t have had to say anything, and I wouldn’t have known any different. Amy you are so special! Don’t you dare think it changes anything for the worse. It only boosted my love for you a mile! No one is perfect, and who am I to judge? I probably have my own log in my eye (Matt 7:1-3). Amy, you must understand now that I don’t care about the past! Christ has let me start over more times than I care to remember! I know how you feel… I love you, Amy! And don’t let anything stand between that! Nothing you could have ever done would change that. My love for you is far deeper than the past. Please understand that!
Ahhh….I wish I was holding you in my arms right now. With your head on my shoulder. Nothing on this earth gives me greater joy than to hold you close.
AMY, I LOVE YOU!!!!
I read the letter with tears in my eyes. Through his words, God’s grace and mercy washed over me. To know that nothing I had done, no mistakes I’d made would take away his love for me – it was a picture of the love God had extended to me. I had so many times run away, tried God’s patience, walked on my own and fell flat in the mud. Guilt often kept me from coming clean with God. I felt I had to patch things up on my own, make everything right before God would accept me – even though I knew nothing I could ever do would make things right. I had to come to God just as I had exposed myself to Ked – in fear and trembling, humbly revealing myself as the mess that I have been. If Ked through God’s grace could so mercifully lavish forgiveness on me, how much more so could God, the originator of all grace and forgiveness, lavish His love on me? I was still accepted, still loved, still welcomed. It was a gift from God, and one that I would not take lightly.
It wouldn’t be the last time that God’s Spirit would speak to me through this man who became more amazing to me every day.
Ked took some flak for the values we were living out in our relationship. With every confrontation he confessed, my respect for him grew. The depth of his commitment to me in the face of others when I wasn’t even present astounded me.
When I was in the florist the other day the lady looked up my past record and noticed all my flowers were going to the same girl. So I told her my girlfriend lives 200 miles away. And she said, “I bet your parents are glad.” So I told her you went to a good Christian school. Then she said, “Yeah, but not all of those kids are good.” I was like, “WHAT?!?” She had already put in her mind that we had been doing stuff. I tried to defend myself (and you) but she kept coming back with “Yeah right.” O-well. I suppose some people will be that way. It’s sad that she expects that out of all young people.
Another instance got a bit more personal…
All right, I’m at work, and one of the guys said something about nothing. We started our daily slam fest all in fun and games, we both know that. But today he goes, “Well at least my girlfriend loves me.” And I asked “What’s that supposed to mean? And he says, “Your girlfriend doesn’t love you.” I was like “WHAT?!” And he says, “Yeah, she doesn’t put out.” I couldn’t believe my ears! So stupid me, I said, “WHAT?” And of course he had to repeat himself. So my mind is racing, trying to think of something to say. I mean it’s not every day that comes up, and I knew I had to say something and fast! So I said, “No, she loves me enough she WON’T put out.” He says, “Yea right!” and proceeded to go on! So I stopped him in the middle of it all and told him to shut up or take it outside. By then, he was catching on that I wasn’t joking around. He apologized for it, and said he was just kidding, and that he respects us for it. Oh, that was close! I hate those situations. I mean, I don’t want him to think its alright to talk about us like that, but how far do I go to defend us? Do I get in a fight? I don’t know! So, I pray. I’d much rather have God fight for me!
My heart swelled. My man had a heart of gold, and even when I wasn’t around, he’d go to great lengths to defend my honor and my name. I felt like the heroine in a movie who’d found her champion and protector. My heart just might explode after all. I didn’t think it could hold much more love and respect, yet daily I found my heart growing.