We managed to arrange a visit in my hometown between Christmas and New Year’s. It helped tremendously to have parents who were overly supportive of our relationship and the need to see each other occasionally. Ked spent a few days at my house over the break, and when the time came to a close, the goodbyes were harder than ever. We knew this would be our longest stretch of distance to date. Unless a miracle worked out in our schedules, we wouldn’t be able to see each other again until early March, just over two months away.
My Dearest Ked,
I miss you so strongly today, more than ever before. I’ve never known love to be so sweet…I could never describe how much I enjoyed being with you this past week. I think that’s what we both needed, a few days together getting to know each other better. Oh I love you so much! I am even more convinced that the man I love is an absolutely wonderful and special person. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. I have the best. I wish you could see all that is in my heart for you. Saying goodbye yesterday was so hard…it has to to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Your strength and confidence that we’ll make it helped me tremendously. I feel like I’m missing something when I’m not with you. What would I ever do without you? Was it only yesterday that we parted? It already seems to be forever ago. How I miss hearing you whisper my name, feeling your big, strong hands hold mine, and the intense look in your eyes when you look into mine…and having you hold me. It’s making me cry just thinking about it all. You will never know how much your sensitivity to the Lord’s will in our relationship means to me.
Dad keeps talking about getting e-mail. He said the bulletin board he belongs to is working on it. Can you imagine? It would be cheaper, faster, and easier! I like all those words! AND, you could get it same day! No more waiting a week for a response to a letter. That would be so nice!!
Mom and I went out today and we found the pattern in town and material for my dress for senior banquet. I enclosed a piece of the fabric for you.
Wow do I ever miss you! The hardest part is not knowing when I’ll see you again. I love you so much! Don’t you ever forget that! Write me soon!
Through the spring as we waited for our next visit, we stayed busy with school and college preparations. I had been accepted to Cornerstone and my plans were set to attend there in the fall. Ked’s friend Ryan had also been accepted.
How are you gorgeous? You better not be stressed out! I hope you had a good week!
Guess what? I’ve been accepted to college. Yes!! I was so worried! I am so happy! Now Ryan can’t use that to torture me. He used to say he was going to college with my girlfriend and I wasn’t!
Amy, I can’t wait to see you again! I can’t put any of it into words! If only you knew! I don’t even want to think about it.
So I won’t.
I love you!
I had a great peace knowing that God had worked out the details for college next fall, and that peace made the bleak months of winter separation more bearable. I kept busy with my studies, the school musical, speech competitions, youth group – anything just to stay occupied and make the weeks go by faster.
Finally, the long separation was nearing to a close.
Ok, I’m either going to scream, yell, cry, throw a tantrum, something. AH!! I’m just trying to survive til FRIDAY!! HELP!! You know, this speech contest that is next Tuesday? Well, my teacher wants the speech done by tomorrow! HA! I went spastic and almost lost it. But I went in and had a little chat with her and pled my case. I think I got it straightened out. I’ll do as much as I can and have it done by Friday.
You’ll never know how much it means to me that you pray for me. Your prayers are so special to me. Yes, flowers and gifts are nice, and I appreciate all that too. But your greatest gift to me is your intercession on my behalf. I sincerely mean that. I know you at times wish you could do more and be here – I feel the exact same about you. I think one (of the many) great lessons we have learned this year is the necessity of intercession for one another. It would be easy if we saw each other each day to forget prayer, thinking our encouragement and daily contact would be enough to help one another. God has really taught me to pray specifically for you. I’m glad He has! It’s all I really can do for you.
I am really looking forward to Friday. I’m having a hard time believing we’re actually going to see each other. Seems like every time we have something set up, plans get changed. I keep praying for this weekend that it will be a good time together. I love you!!!
The weekend conference in Columbus, Ohio flew by much too quickly. I had a chance to catch up with a few friends as well as perform a ventriloquism skit during one evening program. I’m not sure what made me more nervous – performing, or seeing that dark, handsome face in the audience. We’d been together six months, and my stomach was still full of butterflies at the slightest glimpse of him.
I tried to memorize every feature of his face knowing how difficult it was to maintain a clear picture of him in my head once we were separated again. I studied the low timbre of his voice, the musky scent of his cologne, and how small and warm my hand felt in his giant paws. I absorbed how little I felt with his long arm draped around my shoulders and the way he’d squeeze me into his side just to say, “I love you.” I mulled over the way he’d gaze into my eyes and I’d feel like I was weightlessly floating through space, and the way the rest of the world vanished when he was near. I dwelled on the way he’d gently tuck my unruly hair behind my ears and let his long index finger slide down my cheek, and the manner in which his eyes bore into my soul as if he could read the code of my DNA.
That goodbye was the most heartbreaking. My spirit felt like it was fissuring into an un-repairable million pieces. He wrote as soon as he got home to say he felt the same.
You were just sitting here next to me. Now there is nothing, no precious hand to hold, or beautiful eyes to get lost in, no shoulder to lean on. I’m going to cry just thinking about it…. I forgot how hard it was to say goodbye. Nothing could ever take the place of you next to my side.
The tears were close in the last few hours with you…my mind keeps replaying what it can. The sad part is it will never come close to the real thing.
I’ve been sitting here forever. And I haven’t written anything yet…The kissing thing went through my mind 1,000 times this weekend. And every time I would ask God if my motives were right. Over and over. I don’t know why, maybe because everyone is expecting it or what? I’m not about to let anyone ruin it for us. I’m not about to try anything if you don’t feel the same way. One thing I must make clear is Amy, I won’t try anything without your permission. And even if that permission ever comes, I wont ever kiss you without making sure my feelings don’t conflict with God’s will. And maybe that won’t come for months or years or days.
Amy, I had such a wonderful weekend! I needed that more than you could ever understand! I don’t want to go to school tomorrow! I know it’s going to take the place in my mind where you are constantly replayed. It’s going to give me no time to dwell on the woman I love. I don’t want to have to not think about you! I wish I could just sit and think about you. Or better yet, be with you.
Saying goodbye today was the hardest thing I’ve done in 2 months. All the trials in the past 2 months don’t compare to the heartache of saying goodbye today. It ripped apart my heart as I heard our parents’ conversation die down this afternoon. As reality set in, and I knew I would have to leave; the pain swept my whole body when I realized the huge gap that would be unfilled without your presence. I don’t know what kept me from crying in those last few minutes, when I knew I had to let go of your precious hand. And now I’m here in Michigan 200 miles away and scared. I’m scared to think of what the next few weeks will be like. I only have one choice, to trust our perfect Lord. He is the only one that can help us through. He wouldn’t have given this relationship to us if we couldn’t handle it.
I can’t explain what I felt this weekend. It was ALL so perfect. The feeling you sent through my body, with every touch, every look and every whisper of “I love you” was more than words can describe! My heart skipped a beat with every touch, glance and whisper. Amy, I’ve never felt so much love for anyone in my life. If only you knew! I have to stop every once and a while to let my mind catch up.
I can’t get over how tiny you are! So tiny, so fragile, and delicate. So feminine! I’m so glad I’ve found a real woman!
I love you!